The Commitment to Relationship
Most of us know that current statistics show that somewhere between forty and fifty percent of all marriages performed in the United States will end in divorce. The rate is slightly higher for first marriages than for those who are getting married for the second or third time. The divorce rate began to climb in the 1960’s, increased sharply in the 1970’s, flattened out in the 1980’s, and actually declined in the 1990’s. But it is difficult to really get a true picture of the numbers, because there are several lifestyle trends in the United States that cloud the actual figures. For example, the normal lifestyle of young American adults today is to live together for a period of time in a type of informal trial marriage. These relationships frequently do not last. In addition, couples enter into their first marriage at an older age than in the past. Finally, a growing percentage of committed couples have decided to live in a common-law relationship rather than get married.
With the exception Russia, all of the developed countries of Europe… including France, Germany, Switzerland and the Czech Republic… have lower divorce rates than that of the United States of America. But, perhaps, the most shocking statistic for many of us is the report that the divorce rate is just as high, if not higher, among professing Christians than for the population in general. More than twenty-five percent (25%) of Christian marriages end in divorce… one out of every four.
The disadvantage of looking a page of statistics is all the information that the numbers do not share… information that might allow us to understand why one Christian couple in every four who marry give up on that relationship and decide to end it. Research shows that domestic violence plays a significant role in divorce rates, especially among those who are married for the first time. The divorce rate for non-abused women is only fifteen percent (15%), whereas the divorce rate for women experiencing a high severity of abuse in first marriages is seventy-five percent (75%). There are other statistics that talk about the effects of drugs… or stress… or extramarital relationships on marriage and divorce. But these numbers do not account for the total… only for a small percentage of those who divorce. In many, many cases, divorce becomes an option because the two individuals who are marrying lack an understanding of what a covenantal relationship is… and what it takes to maintain one.
Our passage from Jeremiah today is only four verses in length… and, yet, those four verses contain all that we need to know about covenantal relationships. God speaks to the children of Israel in exile… children who have just been punished for their disobedience … their lack of respect… their waywardness… their sin. Their armies have been defeated. Their land has been decimated. Solomon’s great temple has been destroyed. And all of the intelligentia have been carted off to Babylon. Then, in the midst of their pain, the children of Israel hear something new. Out of the mouth of the Prophet Jeremiah pour words… not of judgment and retribution from God… but words of comfort. What God speaks of is not justice… but about relationship. Despite the fact that the covenant has been broken, rather than walk away and cut his losses, God desires to establish a new covenant. There are three things that are characteristics, if you will, of the new covenant.
First of all, the covenant will be written on the hearts of the people… it will be within them. For the children of Israel, the words of the first covenant… the covenant at Mount Sinai… the words of the first covenant were carved on tablets of stone. This was something different. Covenant relationships may, because of our laws, appear to be defined and recorded on paper, but true covenantal relationships are never written on paper… they are written on people’s hearts. Paper documents cannot not create a true covenantal relationship… nor can they sustain one. True covenantal relationships are created when the heart and soul of one person enters into a covenant agreement with the heart and soul of another. And that almost never happens at the time that a piece of paper is signed. The piece of paper merely confirms its existence. But it is that kind of relationship that Genesis speaks of in the second creation story, when Adam says, "This, at last, is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; this one shall be called Woman, for out of Man this one was taken." Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh.” One flesh. One flesh is indivisible. One flesh presumes that any part of that unit cannot survive without the other part... the rest of it. One flesh… bound together in indivisible ways.
The second aspect of a covenantal relationship deals with the infamous word, “yahdah.” “No longer shall they teach one another, or say to each other, "Know the Lord," our text says, “for they shall all know me, from the least of them to the greatest.” The Hebrew word for “know” in this context is “yahdah.” “Yahdah” means “to know,” but it goes so far beyond our English definition of knowing. “Yahdah” does not simply mean to be to perceive… to be acquainted with... and to understand. “Yahdah” is a knowing without boundaries… a knowing that involves all of the senses… a knowing that goes beyond human knowledge… to a type of knowing that can only be found in the divine. It is an intimacy beyond love… beyond respect… beyond the cognitive… to a divine union of mind and soul. It is the knowing that the mystics claim in a spiritual union with God. It is a knowing that, according to scripture, we should all know and claim in any covenantal relationship… especially that of marriage. But it is a knowing that can only be achieved when the one to be known is total open… totally vulnerable… totally available to the one who desires the knowing.
The third aspect of a covenantal relationship has to with commitment… and a willingness to do whatever it takes to sustain a relationship. God tells Jeremiah, “for I will forgive their iniquity, and remember their sin no more”… and we take it for granted. We who look back at the covenants of the Old Testament with New Testament eyes … through the shadow of the cross… we do not fully understand… and have become numb to the sacrifice entailed. Anyone who has ever been hurt… or wronged… or betrayed by someone else can tell you that it is very, very hard to forgive the person who wronged you. It is even more difficult to forget the wrong that was done. Yet, God has promised to not only forgive the children of Israel, but forget all their iniquities… to both forgive… and totally blot from memory… to forget… all their offenses. And God is willing to do this without any commitment on the part of the children of Israel. God is willing to meet them where they are and accept them as they are… despite their record of faithlessness… dishonor… and broken covenantal relationships. This is not a 50-50 relationship that we are talking about here. God is giving one hundred percent (100%) without expecting anything in return. And that is the test of a true covenantal relationship… the willingness… but more than willingness… the commitment… the commitment to empty oneself for the sake of a relationship with another… to set one’s own agenda aside… and to pursue… with tenacity … a relationship with another.
And so, God models for us the covenantal relationship that God desires with the children of Israel… and the covenantal relationship that God desires with us today. At the same time, God models for us the basics of all covenantal relationships… including marriage, a relationship created in the vows that are spoken between two people before God… our relationship with God, a relationship that arises from the waters of our baptism... and our relationship with each other, a relationship born in community in body and blood of our Savior Jesus Christ. We are not just members of a church… like we are members of a club… or members of AARP… or members of the National Geographic Society. We exist in a covenantal relationship with each other… and with God… in this community of faith. And our covenant with God… the covenant that we renew each time that we come to this Table… is one that shares these three basic characteristics of covenant: First, that the laws that govern the relationship are written on our hearts, not on a piece of paper. Second, that we know the Other… that we know God… with the deep, boundless “yahdah” of knowing. And third, that our commitment to this relationship goes beyond “lip service” to a willingness to give everything we have… and to forgive every offense… to insure its longevity.
I find it to be a sad, but telling statistic that the percentage of those who are married in the population today has dropped from seventy-two percent (72%) in 1970… to sixty-two percent (62%) in 1990… to fifty-nine percent (59%) today… while almost twenty-five percent (25%) of the population has never married. Is that because we are not willing to make the commitment to do what it takes to create and sustain a covenantal relationship? Are we afraid of failure? Or are we afraid of allowing someone to get close enough to truly know us… to be vulnerable… and open to that knowing? Or are we reluctant to give up our freedom… to enter into a relationship that will totally consume us… and yet, at the same time, totally fulfill us?
That fear of commitment is not only present in our approach to marriage… it also exists in our relationship with God. God comes to us today with the same promises… the same commitment… that God was willing to give to the children of Israel in Jeremiah’s day. Our Savior stands at the Table today and waits for us to join him… to join him in the company of all those who call him Lord. He waits… with incredible patience… for us to come… to receive the gift that he has already given… the gift that binds us together in the company of all saints… and in the holy bonds of a covenantal relationship with him… a relationship that will take our hearts … and our minds… and our souls… to a new place… a place of knowing… of being known… a place being… and a place of becoming… through Christ… with Christ… in Christ…the fullness of relationship with God. Come. Celebrate the feast. Come. Meet your Savior. Come. Taste and see that Lord is good. Come. Amen.
Jeremiah 31:31-34; John 3:14-21