The Dark Night of the Soul
Jacob was a reprobate. Even his name was an indication of his nature, for Jacob means “he deceives.” If you will recall, he was the second-born of a set of twins who struggled in Rebekah’s womb for the entire nine months of her pregnancy. His father, Isaac, was sixty (60) when the twins were born. Esau, the elder, grew up to be a hunter, while Jacob, the younger, was a quiet, tent-dwelling person. One day, when Esau returned from hunting and was very hungry, Jacob withheld food from him until Esau swore to give up his birthright to Jacob. When the time came for Isaac to give Esau his birthright, Rebekah, his mother, conspired with Jacob to steal it from Esau through deception of his blind father. Since Jacob also stole his father’s blessing, Isaac had nothing to give his older son, his true heir. For this, Esau hated his brother and wanted to kill him, so Rebekah sent Jacob away to her brother, Laban.
In Laban, Jacob met his match in deception. If you will recall, Jacob met Rachel, Laban’s daughter, at the well when he first arrived and wanted her for his wife. But, after working for Laban for seven years to obtain her as his wife, Laban tricked him by giving him Leah instead. So, Jacob had to work another seven years to obtain Rachel as his wife. After twenty years of living with, and working for, Laban, Jacob wanted to go home. When he and Laban divided up the herds between them, Jacob promised to take only those animals that were ring-streaked and spotted. He then manipulated the breeding so that in that year only ring-streaked and spotted lambs and calves were born. He also bred only the stronger sheep and cattle and left the weaker ones for Laban.
If that weren’t enough, when Jacob was ready to leave, his wife, Rachel, stole all the valuable images of gods that belonged to her father. She and Jacob then disappeared without her father’s knowledge… with the sheep, the cattle, and the images. When Laban caught up with them, he wanted to search their tents. Rachel took the images and put them inside her furniture in the tent and then sat on the furniture. She refused to rise when her father entered the tent searching for his images because, she said, she was at the time of the month when she was considered unclean… and anything she touched was unclean. So, he never found the stolen images. Instead, Jacob confronted Laban after his fruitless search and accused him of trying to frame him for something he did not do. So, they went their separate ways. Not exactly the picture of someone I would want to claim as one of my forbearers.
As he made his way home, Jacob sent messengers ahead to his brother, Esau, indicating that he was now a wealthy man. Jacob knew that when he left home, Esau hated him… and he knew that Esau’s anger was justified. But Jacob was tired of the quarrel and wanted to come home. When his messengers return, Jacob learns from them that Esau is coming to him with four hundred (400) men. In fear, Jacob sends gifts to Esau… gifts of hundreds of goats, sheep, camels with their colts, asses and their foals, and cattle. To protect his own tribes people, he sends them, and all of his women and children across the river to be safe, while he waits for Esau alone. And he spends the night alone in that place… alone… with no distractions… and plenty of time to think about his life… his relationship with his brother… his relationship with his father-in-law… and the awkward situations he has created for his mother… and then his wife… and the example that he has set for his children. What he sees in himself is not a man of upstanding character… a leader… a mentor for others. He sees himself… the deceiver… the reprobate. Confronted by the sins of his past… afraid of his future… Jacob does not get much sleep that night. Instead, he spends the night struggling… with himself… and with God.
What happens when we have led a less than exemplary life and one day we are confronted by all our sins… when the wrong we have done to others returns to haunt us? Do we not spend a sleepless night… or, perhaps, many sleepless nights… struggling with ourselves… with our conscience… with God? What Jacob saw that night was a man who needed to change. A man whom God loved, yes… but not a man of God… a man, instead, who deserved the wrath of his brother… the disappointment of his father… and the anger of his father-in-law… a man who created enemies much faster than friends. Jacob knew that, in the morning, he would have to confront people who knew him… who knew of his lies… his deceptions… the things he had stolen. He had come to a time of reckoning… and it was painful for him.
When I served as a hospice chaplain, one of my patients did not want to speak to a chaplain. Respectful of his wishes, I never visited him. But his daughter called me and asked whether I would visit him. I told her that I would ask him again, but that I could not impose a visit on him if he did not want one. The first time that I visited, I asked whether he wanted me to visit. He was not certain, so I told him I would check back with him the next day. When I saw him the next day, he was busy with visitors, so I said I would stop back a third time. The third time, he was sitting along in his wheelchair by the nurses station, staring into space. When I asked him if he wanted me to visit with him, he said it was OK if I stayed. I told him of his daughter’s love and concern for him and a tear rolled down his cheek. He was not worthy of her love, he said. He was an alcoholic. All his life, he had said and done things under the influence of alcohol that alienated people. He had abused his family and burdened them with his debts. He was convinced that even God could not forgive him for all the wrong he had done. He said that it was all that he had thought about since I first visited him two days before.
I sat beside him and held his hand as I shared with him that I did not know his past. I only knew that his daughter loved him. I also knew that God loved him and I asked him whether he remembered the story of the Prodigal Son. I related the story to him again. When I finished, tears were rolling in a steady stream down his face. It’s too late for me, he said. Ah, but there is another story that will prove to you that it is never too late. I related the story of the Workers in the Vineyard… and how those who arrived at the end of the day still got a full day’s wages. After I finished telling that story, he looked at me for the first time. And on his face was a questioning hope… could this be real? We prayed together before I went on to visit other patients… prayed that God would be with him and would reveal the truth to him. It was the last time that I saw him, for he died two days later. His daughter called me to tell me that she was with him when he died and that he was at peace.
All of us have these nights when we struggle with the person we are… and the person we want to be… the person we believe we should be. God is never absent from the struggle… indeed, God struggles with us. St. John of the Cross, one of the great mystics of the Christian church, calls such nights the “dark nights of the soul”… nights that seem endless… nights filled with old memories… nights filled with old fears… nights filled with guilt. St. John says that such nights happen to those who are still “beginners” on the road of faith… those who are seeking God… or those who have just turned toward God… or those whose faith is still weak. He says that these nights are meant to reveal to us the weakness of the state that we are in… in order that we might take courage, and ask God to lead us into this night where the soul is strengthened, and thus be prepared for what St. John calls the inestimable delights of the love of God.
What are some of the things that push us toward such self-reflection? St. John says that some of the sins that lead us into these “dark nights of the soul” include pride… even of pride of righteousness, such as the Pharisees had in Jesus’ time. Other sins include avarice or greed… wasted wealth or luxury… anger or wrath… and the list goes on. St. John claims that this night is hell for those who experience it… purgatory for the soul… and yet, in this night, he says, Divine wisdom illuminates humankind with the same light that purges and illumines the angels in heaven. It is agony because we cannot hide from ourselves the person we are… or have been. God reveals every wrinkle in our soul and holds it up to the blinding light of God’s presence… his holiness… his righteousness… for comparison. And we fall short. We always fall short, for we are not perfect. And we know that at a cognitive level… but in this dark night of the soul, we feel it in our gut. We feel the chasm that exists between us… and the perfection of God… and we feel the pain of that separation.
And so, Jacob wrestles with himself… and with God all night. Now, there is a piece of this that gives us hope. St. John claims that, on this night… this dark night of the soul… the soul is set in a wondrous hiding place that the devil cannot access. This night is set apart for God… reserved as a night between the person who is struggling… and God, who struggles with him or her. There is no place for the devil. Even as we struggle against God and against our better nature, God protects us from the one who could do the most harm. Do you remember those times when you, as a parent, wrapped your arms around a child who was rebellious… a child who was angry… a child who was striking out at himself and others… a child who, in her anger and frustration, could hurt herself or someone else? That is what it is like on that night, says St. John. Even while we are struggling against God, God has his arms wrapped around us to protect us from harm. We may believe that those arms oppose us… that God just wants to win. In reality, God holds us close… in love… and to protect us… until we can see the same vision of glory that lights the path ahead.
And that’s not all. There is something else that gives us hope. St. John says that “though we may tarry here (in this purgatory) for a time, it will not be for longer than is necessary.” God will release us… with his blessing… when the night is over… when the struggle has ended.
And so, Jacob wrestled with himself and with God all night… and, in the end, he triumphed… as we all do, if we turn toward God… and acknowledge God as the Lord of our life. From that night forward, Jacob became the patriarch that we know and admire in scripture… a true man of God… a true leader of his people. As the night ended, God touched Jacob’s hip and, from that day, Jacob was lame, but his injury only served to remind him daily of his night with God… a night when he saw God face-to-face… a night when God held him in his arms, as a parent holds a struggling and willful child… a night when – though he did not know it – nothing could harm him… a night that felt like hell… but, in reality, was God’s love at work in his life. It was a night when Jacob left his past behind… and prepared to meet his future. The next time that you have a “dark night of the soul,” look for God at work in your life… working to change you… to change me… into people of God… for we must be the people of God before we can do the work of God. Amen.